Dear Internet: The Poop Diaries

Dear Internet,

One day last week, I allowed my almost-18-month-old to pluck little shreds of toilet paper off the outside of a brand new roll because it kept her occupied while I pooped, and I told myself, "I'm going to write about this."

Three months ago I put my then-15-month-old in her crib, apologizing over the sound of her anguished wails. "I'm really, really sorry," I told her, in the tone I had previously reserved for calling in sick to work, "but I HAVE to poop." And I told myself, "I'll write about this later."

I'm not very good about writing on a regular basis, but I would like to be. So Internet, I don't know if you'll hear from me again soon, but we'll see.

The Beauty of the Zipper Merge

As I sat in rush hour traffic yesterday afternoon, with a (thankfully) sleeping baby in the backseat, I was once again overwhelmed with frustration at our collective inability to utilize the zipper merge.

I mean, I get it. I used to be one of those people, the ones glaring furiously at people trying to execute a zipper merge. I would stay as close as I could to the bumper of the person in front of me. "No way," I would mutter at the (in retrospect, much smarter) folks trying to ease traffic congestion. "You should have merged back when I did, buddy! It's not my fault you went joyriding up to the head of the line like a jerk! I'm not letting you in."

Of course, I realize now that that is exactly how one should merge - wait until the lane that is ending actually ends. Leave enough space between cars so that the two lanes of traffic can slide together seamlessly and beautifully into one shining ribbon of cars. They may still be moving slowly, but they are nonetheless moving, instead of engaging in the tedious stop-and-go that results from people like my past self refusing to budge.

Years ago, a good friend of mine gently educated me one morning when I was complaining about the people who "try to go to the head of the line and force their way in." She looked sadly at me. "But they're doing it right. If everyone stays in that lane until it ends, and the people in the next lane over leave enough space for them to slide over, it works better for everyone. Think about it for a minute." Chastened, I did, and I realized she was right.

Well, since it sounds like we're all going to have to get new driver's licenses anyway, I think we should require everyone to watch a brief informational video on zipper merging before getting their new enhanced IDs.

Creamy Squash Pasta Sauce

Yesterday I was casting about for something to do with the squash from our last couple of CSA boxes. I wasn't in the mood for roasted or sauteed squash (though both are tasty); I wanted pasta. Last year we picked up a couple of jars of butternut squash pasta sauce at Costco, and it was delicious stuff. I figured it couldn't be too hard to replicate, and it wasn't!

Creamy Squash Pasta Sauce

Olive oil
1 cup minced onion
2 tsp kosher salt
2-6 cloves of garlic, minced or pressed
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 tbsp dried basil
4 cups (approximately) peeled and cubed squash (I used a mix of butternut and festival squash because it was what we had - you could use pretty much any kind you have around)
1-2 cups chicken or vegetable broth, or water
1 cup half and half
Black pepper

Heat a few tablespoons of olive oil in a large saucepan over medium low heat. When it's shimmering, add the onion and salt and cook, stirring frequently, for 5-7 minutes.

Add the garlic and herbs and stir until combined. Cook for about one minute.

Add the squash and stir until combined.

Add the broth/water - you want enough so that all of the squash bits are touching liquid, but not so much that it's all submerged. Stir. Raise the heat to medium high, bring to a gentle simmer, and cover.

Simmer until the squash is easily pierced with a fork, adding more liquid if needed. (Be sparing with the broth - you want enough that the squash isn't burning or getting dried out, but not so much that it looks soupy.)

Turn off the heat and allow the squash to cool a bit before pureeing. If you have an immersion blender, you can puree it right in the pan; otherwise, transfer the mixture carefully to a regular blender or food processor and puree until almost completely smooth - don't worry if there are a few chunks (unless you don't like them, in which case you can of course puree until entirely, velvety smooth).

Turn the heat back on low. Slowly add the cream, while stirring, and heat gently for a few minutes until it's all uniform. Season with black pepper to taste.

Serve over any type of pasta.

Fail

Last night I got tired of waiting for the bread machine to beep (which it does when it reaches the point where add-in ingredients are supposed to be added in), so I dumped the chocolate chips in when it felt right.

I was wrong, it seems. Though I could smell the deliciousness of chocolate chip brioche baking during the night, this morning I woke up this morning to a sad, disgusting brick of something, neither cake nor bread.

Sigh.

Garlicky Beef Stew

After a few glorious days of unseasonably warm weather, a cold front blew in and it feels much more Novemberish. So I decided to make some beef stew, to use up some of our delicious CSA veggies. This would be equally delicious with mushrooms in place of the beef for a vegetarian option.

Ingredients

2-3 tablespoons olive oil
About one pound of stew meat
Kosher salt and pepper

1 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
1 small head of garlic (about eight cloves), pressed or minced

2 cups of beef broth or stock
2-4 cups of water
1 bottle beer (optional)

1 tablespoon Worchester sauce
6 large carrots, sliced on the diagonal
6 medium potatoes, diced
4-6 large kale leaves, finely chopped

1/2 cup beef broth or stock, or warm water
2 tablespoons flour

Heat the oil in a large pot or Dutch oven. Add the stew meat and cook over medium low heat until browned. Season with 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt and black pepper. Add onion and garlic and cook for 2-3 minutes, then add liquid and bring to a simmer. Simmer for 2-3 hours or until meat is tender.

Add Worchester sauce, carrots, and potatoes and cook until vegetables are tender. Season with additional salt and pepper as needed. Add kale and cook for 2-3 minutes or until tender. Shake broth/stock or water and flour in a small container and slowly add to stew while stirring (if the stock seems sufficiently thickened at this point, you may want to omit the flour mixture).

Taste and adjust seasoning as needed with additional salt and pepper.

Double Chocolate Pumpkin Muffins

I have a habit (I'm not sure if it should be considered good or bad) of buying canned pumpkin unnecessarily. I'll pass it at the store and think "Oh, I should get a can of that for... stuff." So there's nearly always at least one can of it in our pantry.

And that's a very good thing, in my opinion, when it come to making muffins. Pumpkin makes muffins AMAZING. You can make a very rich, moist (sorry) muffin using pumpkin without adding much fat, and it adds lots of fiber and vitamin A. You can make something very dessert-like that isn't entirely terrible for you.

This particular recipe tastes like straight-up cake. And it is cake-like, but it's still fairly healthy. There's not a ton of sugar, and you could leave out the chocolate chips to make it even healthier, or add some nuts or dried fruit instead.

Double Chocolate Pumpkin Muffins

1 1/2 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/3 cup cocoa powder (I used Hershey's Special Dark, but regular cocoa powder works just fine)

1/3 cup butter, melted

1 15oz can of pumpkin (not canned pumpkin pie filling)

1 egg

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup chocolate chips, dried fruit, or nuts (optional)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and prepare a muffin pan (this recipe makes 12 standard-sized muffins) with non-stick spray or butter, or with paper muffin cups.

Whisk together the dry ingredients. Melt the butter in a separate bowl, add the pumpkin, egg, and vanilla extract and mix well.

Add the wet ingredients and the chocolate chips to the dry ingredients and mix with a rubber spatula/scraper until just combined - don't overmix. Divide between the muffin cups (a cookie scoop helps with this, or you can just use a spoon).

Bake for 15-20 minutes or until a wooden pick comes out clean.

Vanilla Sugar

Vanilla sugar is delicious stuff. You can use it just like regular sugar (though obviously not in anything you don't want to taste vanilla-y). It's great in baked goods.

It's a great way to use up extra beans from making extract, or to avoid wasting Grade A beans that you bought for baking and then forgot about (please tell me I'm not the only one who does that occasionally).

And it's super, super-easy.

Supplies

Airtight Container

You can use just about anything, from an old Tupperware to a clean jar to a sturdy zip-top bag. Something with a wipe opening will make it easier to measure the sugar out directly from the container.

Vanilla Beans

There's no exact recipe, but I use about five beans per two cups of sugar. You can adjust up or down depending on what you have available.

Sugar

Any type of sugar works. I like organic cane sugar myself, but you can use whatever you prefer. (I'm thinking about it now and I suspect that vanilla brown sugar would be AMAZING. Note to self: Try that later.)

Tools

• Measuring cup, if you want (I eyeballed it)
• Clean cutting board
• Sharp knife

Process

OKAY.

Cut your beans in half so that they're shorter and a bit easier to work with, but don't cut them too short or it will be a pain to fish them out of the sugar later on (as long as the beans aren't in tiny pieces, it's easy to keep from getting any chunks of bean in whatever you're using the sugar in).

Now slice shallowly down the length of each bean -- ideally you want to slice it open, but not in half (it's not a big deal if you slice it in half, though).

Put about half of your sugar into your container. Add the beans, and then dump the rest of the sugar on top. Secure the lid of your container and give it a vigorous shaking.

That's it! You can use the sugar right away if you want but it will taste best if you let it sit for a while, say about two weeks, shaking periodically. You can sift the beans out if you want; personally, I like to just replace the sugar I take out and use the same beans to infuse sugar for about six months, at which point they're usually spent and it's time to make a new batch.